100% Crisis and Here We Are

I am crazy-brained and cranky today. I have cussed out every driver on the street and cast unmentionable spells against anyone who gives me the remotest of dirty looks. I realize this feeling has lingered from yesterday, and though I know some of this has to do with the fact that the caffeine I have been devotedly consuming the past couple of days has not really absorbed into my body the way it normally does, I know the majority of my rotten mood is resulting from the seeds of hopelessness once again scattered over my sadly receptive soil.

I feel like there are weights hanging from my eyelids, and my forehead is host to a bag of sand so full it is bursting at the seams. I just want a job. Whine, whine. I just want to have my own one-room apartment with a few flowers in a vase by the window and some coffee that actually conjures some resemblance of vitality in my body. I just want a simple existence that's relatively stable. I feel selfish for this. But I don't care, anymore. Whine.

I think it's not so much not having the job, and so forth, but simply that I'm afraid I'll NEVER have a job. I'll NEVER move out and live on my own experiencing peace solidly for over a month. I'm afraid I'll NEVER feel remotely secure.

As I wrote that I realized something. A few months ago I told my friend Elizabeth on the phone that I doubted I would ever meet a man I thought worthwhile. That I'd never find someone truly interesting, and appealing in the whole romantic avenue. Truth is I have quite the crush at present, and so far, I find this person quite appealing.

When I told Elizabeth how I would NEVER meet someone I liked, she said, "Michelle! Hold on! Right now, write that down. Write down what you just said!"

I said, "Why?"

She replied, "Because, I know you're going to be proved wrong."

Thus, I have come to a new verdict, that it is simply foolish to believe in such absolute terms that nothing good is on it's way to you. It's foolish to believe that good is never ever never never in the wings. Somewhere something is hanging out, waiting for us to turn the corner, waiting for us to start down the road.

Earlier a friend was in the coffee shop and she was telling me about how her life has been in 100% crisis for the last year. And yes, TERRIBLE things happened. Things had gone to hell in a handbasket. All at once. But, as she said that: "100% Crisis," I thought, "and here you are, leaning over the counter, small coffee in hand, cell phone ringing, talking about graduate school and a new job, and all of the languages you plan to learn."

The shit is going down everywhere, and maybe there's no light at the end of the tunnel as far as we can see. Truth is, though hope seems far off, the tunnel isn't so bad. I'm still here, meeting people, making friends, developing unexpected crushes, feeling the warmth of generous strangers, and attempting creativity and peace despite potential crisis. Things will change. They always do.

I want to begin leaning into the notion that there are no absolute negatives. There are terrible things that happen; unspeakable awful things. But there are always bedside flowers, cups of tea, kind faces, offers of forgiveness, a ten dollar bill hidden by a friend in the glovebox, coupons, second and third and fourth chances, moments for prayer or meditation or silence. Time can't be filled so much that on a single breath we can't pull focus (an idea I got from Julia Cameron), we can't slip out into a more open space, and let our spirits spread out. There are opportunities for good, for small acts of generosity or appreciation, for closeness, for affection, and peace.

May you and I find something in the dry spell.