To Live More Widely

There is a knot devouring muscle in my back pulling my spirit down, winding it up in so many words I can barely distinguish them, blurring specific emotions into some sort of dreary cloud nest. It is hard to undo these sorts of things. It is best if you can find the point of origin, the moment, the first word, the news, the situation that might have been the catalyst. Start there. So, that's where I am now, tonight. I am gripping the portion of the root I can name, the one that first made me uneasy, that began constructing this strange uncomfortable edifice to the left of my spine.

I am starting there. And how ridiculous? Something rather simple created a chaos of insecurity in my head. Had me drifting through the grayscale--back and forth. I started comparing myself to some people who are way cooler than I am. Started worrying. Started feeling jealous. And also felt the strange weight of futility that comparing oneself to others often delivers.

Whenever I do this, delve into that awful, stupid, juvenille jumble of feelings that are somehow responding to the fear that I am not good enough as is, that I am not pleasing, that I cannot possibly be worthy for more than five seconds at a time, I end up discovering something essential. I cannot step outside of me (not to mention I can't afford to). Not really.

I can pretend. I can dress the part, change a few externals, but I'll get tired and I'll come back home into this silly, messy, sometimes remotely and oddly artistic, occassionally lazy, seemingly television obsessed (as of late) person. I have to give into who I am. And if I can for once push the image of the person I should be out of my head, I feel comfortable inside my own spirit, my personality, my body, my boundaries. What's even more interesting, I suppose (something I'm discovering as I write this) is that I actually admire the women I compare myself to and I feel so terribly ashamed of myself because I haven't yet achieved what they have.

The women I am most jealous of, and feel most ashamed around as I feel like I'll always be too lazy to actually produce or complete or really do anything, are beautiful people. Really, they are lovely. They are artistic and they take care of things. And the reason they produce things, the reason they are so amazing is that they are able to detach themselves from the terrible web I'm still stuck in. This web of, "Am I good enough for this person, for this calling, for these friends?: I am still responding and reacting and looking around for feedback. I am connected to other people, even strangers, in that I am terrified of what they might think of me and yet, wholly dependend upon what they might think of me.

What is nice is that, as I think of the attributes of these strong, stable, solid women I'm jealous of, I come to realize that perhaps I am not so devoid of these qualities. Perhaps the vibrance these women carry, the spirit and soul these women exude is something I, sometimes, also radiate.

Instead of feeling jealous and avoidant toward these people, I really would like to learn from them. It would be beautiful, a tremendous feet for me, if I could simply drop the comparison and start believing that I have something to offer. It would be beautiful if I could decide to step out of the web and in that instant feel it lose its power and join again a more natural gravity, a more organic way of living, a way of life which values everything and everyone, a way of viewing oneself with utmost compassion and forgiveness.

I want to operate from my core. I want to know what I love and live for and go from there. I want to tap my desires and not pay attention to what gathers positive response. I want to go out, walking on my own feet, feeling connected to my body, feeling carried by some energy that rolls and wells and hums within rather than without.

This is what I've learned tonight. I want to make my spirit a home, and move about as if I am settled in me enough to not worry about stretching out hands, being ridiculously brave, taking little risks, and living more widely, into more light and movement.