Subversive Acts

Good morning to the one person who reads this blog. :)

Today is bright. I wonder if the snow is melting outside, it must be, the sun coming on so strong. The truth is, this place is held fast in single digit temperatures. I'm listening to Ani DiFranco for the first time in a very long time, and it is so good. Right now I'm listening to "Reckoning."

Cause nothing is as it appears.
In the fun house mirrors of your fears
On a roller coaster of all these years with your hands above your head.
And win or lose, just that we chose, this little war is what kills us.
And either or it's that this war is, maybe also what thrills us.

It's funny how you can find one thing wrong, and then it spider veins out to all these dark pits of hopeless other things. I feel old. At twenty-three I feel old. I know it's ridiculous. But it feels like I've lost my chance at things. Because I'm so distant and scared I'm not getting anywhere. But,I don't know how to get out of this box. I want to connect. I want to share, of all things. I want that kind of deep sharing where you're laughing with someone, and the laughter just gets so mixed up, you forget that you are two separate people, you forget what they may think about the zits on your face, your half-curly hair, your big cheeks, and you just join them in the moment. I want that. I want that in friendship and in love. I need to forget about myself. I need to stop worrying about myself, and just trust this process--this life process--whatever it is, and wherever it leads.

I'm working on it. I've been pretty good lately. I've really enjoyed moments. I think it's just this last semester of school, applying to graduate programs, the cold and gray, family stuff, that's got me so caught up around my own concerns and pain and wonderings, that I haven't been able to just rush out and mingle with the people that I love, or that I want to get to know.

Today is my day without classes and work, and one of my closest friends is home from his school, so we're going to spend the hours in our favorite cafes, and then probably watch some good film. I'm excited. I have to finish a grad. school application first, and I'll probably work at the cafes. But, it's alright. It's all alright, and will be.

Hope, hope, hope. I need it.

Anne Lamott once wrote, "Rest and laughter are the most spiritual and subversive acts of all. Laugh, rest, slow down...just be where your butts are, and breathe. Take some time."