Heart Advice

I am worried about myself. I am worried about being closed and inauthentic because I'm very afraid. I feel hard in some situations...around some people, and I know it's not me. And it is so frustrating when I'm near these people because I want them to see what I am underneath. But at the same time, I don't want them to see that because what I am underneath is very soft, very tender, and if I become that person I may just fall apart. And maybe I don't trust that those people would comfort me or understand my grief.

Have you ever felt like you weren't going to be alright with people in general until you just allowed yourself to fall apart?

Pema Chodron writes, "To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes."

I was thinking about that quote (and desperately trying to hold myself back from logging onto amazon and ordering her book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times) and wondered if in order to "look clearly and compassionately at ourselves" we really must fall apart. I feel like those of us who are hard and gaurded around people (not all people, but many), are often very gaurded even when we are alone, with ourselves. We avoid things. We avoid things that will make us very deeply sad or angry. We project. It is difficult for us to sit in the pain. Or to just sit, in general, with emotion.

I feel like I need to crack up a bit. I need spaces in my walls so that I can speak into myself what I have most needed to hear--that I am worth something to me, because I'm all I have, and it turns out I'm glad that I'm what I've gotten stuck with.

It's cheesy. I feel like most true, good things are in some form, corny as hell.

I need rest. But the sun is bright. This area is finally starting to warm up.