Can I just say...

I am such a dreamer right now. I am sitting in The Sparrows cafe in Grand Rapids, sipping the best tea EVER, and perusing my favorite blogs. And these blogs, and this place, and just this feeling in my chest is leading me into these fantasies of what my future existence might contain.

I am thinking of breakfast nooks in my future kitchen. Of owning a home, and feeling satisfied with settling in for a while. I am thinking of stacks of books in my breakfast nook. I'm thinking of some sweet someone peering into the room. Of him taking up books with me, and steaming mugs of tea or coffee or cocoa and sitting across from me. Oh, just to see him there, sitting across from me. That some good relationship could happen, that I could be a part of some good relationship, some hard-earned deep love, real sharing with a man who is honest, and who is willing to risk it, every time. I would be so thankful for that. I would brim. I think I would brim. It's so hard to believe that something good could befall me in this area, that I think I would glow unto eternity if it actually should come to pass. Maybe not. But maybe.

Another dream that has recently tripped over my brain, over my maternal synapses, is the dream of possibly having some child of my own in my arms someday. I'm not one to coo over babies like a lot of women I know. I'm not up for hanging out in crowds of mothers. I just imagine myself, alone in a dim room, in the morning maybe (I have a thing for mornings, though it's difficult for me to join them when the alarm sounds) with someone in my lap who has the characteristics of my lover and myself in his or her face. It's cheesy, maybe. But I don't care. I want it. I have come up with names, since I've decided to allow myself this dream (I was with someone a bit ago who was adamantly against every having children, and so I gave it up, without much thought, just gave it up because I'm so quick to throw my wishes, my possible desires on the altar). I've come up names like Willa, or Willa Margot, or Jorie (after my mom's mother Marjorie), or Charlie, or Oliver, or Olive for a girl and we can call her Ollie and other sweet things, or Eveline. So this is a dream I am finally allowing myself. And it feels good to be allowed. I have to find a man first, and before that I have to find a bit more of myself, and I have to love what I find in myself, I have to be compassionate. And then children. Then babies. Then breakfast nooks, and intimate small moments.

Maybe this could all happen. I don't care if there's struggle. I've done struggle. I might even resent these dreams someday. I'll just want my kids to shut up and do their homework. I'll want my husband to pay more attention, or to leave me be for a bit. But still, I will fight for it.

I only worry that I want these things to complete me, to finish off the areas in which I feel so unfinished, so tender and insecure. I hope not. I don't want to take advantage. I just want full life. I want glowing vivaciousness.

The biggest problem, the biggest struggle I'm going to have for now is living my life as if it is glowing and vivacious and full and fulfilling right now. I want to appreciate this time. I want to drink it in. I want it to taste like some kind of thick nectar, rather than some stale white wine. Something that makes my stomach ache. Something that makes me want to spend the rest of the night hanging over a toilet bowl. I want to loooove my life. I want to love it right now. Where it is.

Everything is uncertain. My hands are up in the air. I have nothing to bet on, to be sure of. I have have no idea where I'm going. More than ever. I have no idea. I try to reassure myself that I'll survive, that I won't be homeless, that I'll somehow feed myself. But with the state of the world, about to graduate college with a useless degree, I have officially said goodbye to my one serious lover who I spent so much time planning my life around, and my lease is up in August. Where am I going? Oh God, I'm scared out of my mind. Oh, and one of my jobs is on-campus and ends when I toss my graduation cap in the air. Do I want to graduate even, if it means giving up the security I have now?

But, I think this is what was supposed to happen. I am supposed to be without a plan. I always plan. But I can't do that, now. It's impossible. There's just no way I can. Not if I try. Grad school isn't an option. It's all up in the air. It's exciting. It would be more exciting if I was financially stable. But then there wouldn't be much risk, here. And maybe this is where God wants me. I really, deeply believe this is where God wants me.

After all, where else can I place my trust right now? Like all those hymns, and bible passages, my life is out of my hands, and now I have this big scary chance of pushing it into the hands of something bigger--something I cannot sense. Wow. Terrifying. Maybe I can do it. Maybe I can.

Here goes. This is my life right now. I am on the verge of something. And I think I'll be on the verge for some time. And God has some kind of plan while I'm here. I hope I'm pleasantly surprised. I hope He has good things in mind. But then again, isn't that what we're asked to believe?

I am on my way to something. And right now, I think it might be light-filled and so morning-like.