My World

The rain has started spooling through the air, falling down strands of light and other heavy, near-bursting molecules. I am treating myself to coffee at a nearby shop, listening to Katie Herzig and Neko Case, hoping there will be enough time to immerse myself in the life I want to be living, the world in my head that begs for real space and becomes so rainy and blue when I'm living outside of it, on everyone else's terms, pleasing, climbing ladders.

I know it's childish, selfish, and it has nothing to do with the "real-world." But it's simple enough to be, perhaps someday, feasible. It has to do with color, silence, the sorts of songs made to fill rooms and still allow space for thought--for reading--for a kiss. It has to do with writing without judgement, and reading without feeling as if I have to somehow match or learn from the story--the plot structure--the diction and syntax. It has to do with treating people as real dignified, feeling, worthy human beings.

Lately I get home from work around six from a job which hardly allows my brain to excercise any of its creative components, and usually has me so strung out I talk about it for another hour, talk in my head about it for another, watch a movie to escape the conversation, and end up dreaming and talking in my sleep about it all night long. It's not a bad job. I'm so lucky to have it, and it has been a blessing. But at the same time, it is forcing me to realize that if I'm going to have the life I deeply desire, if I'm going to have peace and time for creativity, and lingering dates, I'm going to have to make some changes.

For REAL this time, I'm going to have to try discipline. I'm going to have to get up early if I want time for myself--time for yoga--prayer--going into the deep and hopefully keeping some remnants of that place inside me for the rest of the day. I'm going to have to stop worrying about what people think. I won't see people as much as I'd like to...because I'm going to have to start making time for myself, on my terms.

I know I'm without so many responsibilities at this point in my life...namely children...but I still need this. I need this if I'm going to keep growing. And that's something that's always been important to me. I want to stay vibrant. I want to become more vibrant. And I want to continue cultivating a balanced center. I want to learn emotional boundaries and start using them. Start protecting myself from becoming a twisted up wreck.

I don't want to waste time being unhappy, feeling disappointed that the world I want to live in and the world I live in don't seem to be working out together. Here's to making a way, and the discipline and work that takes.

Here's to building my truest self into the fabric of my world.